Waitressing for Dummies
by evergreen dryad
Summary: [HIATUS] So this is what the underworld looks like. Erza fits in here all right, she's(?) a demon and...well...


(Insert disclaimer here)

* * *

><p>It all started when a certain salmon-haired boy discovered his stash of food money had diminished to a mere handful of spare change.<p>

"GYAAAH!" Said young man screamed in horror loud enough to prompt all little critters to evacuate the area. "HAPPY!" Now, he was yelling for his blue companion, not expressing his joy to the world. One Natsu Dragneel, Fire Dragon Slayer, proud son of Igneel and a mage of Fairy Tail, was far from happy indeed.

A muffled 'Aye' answered him as said avian Exceed plodded over; yawning as he blearily looked around for a fish or any fishy treat to nibble as an early morning snack before breakfast. "What's wrong, Natsu…" Happy mumbled listlessly. Where was that sardine left over in the can from last night?

"We're out of quid!" Natsu screeched hysterically, clutching at his head.

Happy just rubbed his eyes and managed a little scowl. "Natsu, get your foot out of my food!" he whined crossly.

"Huh…?" Natsu lifted his foot duly to inspect what he had stepped on. Turns out when he had gone to do the accounts he had promptly stepped into the can and never even noticed. Happy's poor sardine was hitherto mushed into something unrecognisable as anything resembling fish and rather disgusting.

Not to forget Natsu had never cleaned those sandals of his ever since procuring them at a flea market since—let's see, X783?

"NATSU!" Now it was Happy's turn to contribute to the early morning racket; which served to pique the curiosity of a grass adder nearby looking for titbits. The blue cat was, needless to say, the opposite of his given name. "There's nothing to eat now!" He yowled copiously as he stared at the squashed sardine sorrowfully. "It wanted to visit my stomach, you know! I promised it! And now…how can I eat that?!"

It is debatable whether the sardine had met a better fate or not.

"I know! We barely have any money left either!" Natsu blinked as he registered the whimsical words of his quirky cat. "Did it really? I thought all the fish you ate cried when they went in your stomach?"

"That's not true!" Happy denied hotly. The feline blinked as his mind switched to a different tack. "WHAT?! Natsu…that's too much. So far I can only manage to believe in _one_ impossible thing before breakfast, not SIX!" Happy crossed his arms crossly, irked.

"But it's true!" Natsu wailed. "Never mind about breakfast, let's just go on a mission and get lots of money NOW!"

"But I'm hungry…" Happy grumbled unhappily as he rubbed his complaining stomach forlornly; foraging for _anything_ edible. Then his eyes lit up as he had a brainwave; his ears perking up cheerfully as the solution showed itself in his mind. It was SO easy too! "Why don't we just crash in at Lushi's?"

Natsu's eyes gleamed at the nefarious suggestion. "Good idea," he cackled, rubbing his hands in the way master criminals always seemed so fond of. "Let's go raid her fridge now!" Natsu cheered up immensely, smiling his signature shit-eating grin.

"Ufufufufu…"Happy giggled in the way he misguidedly tabulated as evil.

Natsu followed suit; both Dragon Slayer and Exceed shared mischievous glances like little boys about to cause rambunctious and obstreperous monkeyshines.

"Let's go…de gozaru yo!" Happy whispered theatrically.

Natsu wrapped his precious scarf around his head. "Nin nin!" He acquiesced.

Both snuck out of the house, forming hand seals all the way (occasionally uttering "nin nin") while sneaking in shadows, flying and jumping across the rooftops, darting into side streets and alleys and so on; ostensibly stealthily.

People stared at the pantomime duo, shook their heads, decided they were a little queer in the head (perhaps touched by the sun?), and went on with whatsoever business they had been implicated in. (This was a free country after all. People are allowed to indulge in their idiosyncrasies as much as they wish no matter how eccentric. Just as long as they did not go mad axe murderer mode.)

And the frequently harangued Lucy Heartfilia slumbered on unsuspecting of the two marauders about to ransack her fridge.

* * *

><p>In Strawberry Street, all was calm. Soft orangey-yellow sunshine streamed onto the cobblestones, transmuting the plain sandstone into glowing amber with a gentle touch. The light lapped at the houses lightly, stirring up the dust and residents.<p>

It was another brand new day in Magnolia, Tuesday the 4th of June, X791.

The starting of summer.

* * *

><p>"Natsu?" Lucy called out, surprised. "What are you doing?"<p>

"Oh Lucy!" Natsu turned around cheerfully from where he was standing on the table. "Nothing! Just messing about, ya know?"

"No, I don't. But really…" Lucy pointed a tremulous finger at the bewildering sight. "Is that…a tail…?"

"Aye! It's Happy's, I've borrowed it for a while!" Natsu chirped happily, wiggling his derriere where a large blue cat's tail that indeed resembled Happy's was attached.

"…Does he know…?" Lucy wondered if Happy was now tailless. Poor cat.

"Nope! I just pulled it off while he was catnapping!" At that Natsu started chortling like a gleeful child who'd just pulled off a notorious prank successfully.

It was his laughter that jolted her awake to a morning concerto of cackling chickens. She grunted, displeased at the unpleasant cacophony, rolled over and folded the pillow over her head, trying to muffle the hullaballoo next door. Her neighbour's chickens were throwing a temper tantrum again, she noted dourly. How lovely. Brilliant start to a Tuesday morning. It'd probably rain too today when she looked for a mission to satiate the never-ending appetite of the monster called 'Rent'.

And, lo and behold, it started raining thunderously out of the blue.

Perfect. A cloudburst.

She gazed out at the rain enveloping the Magnolia city horizon, idly noting that the inmates of the second house from the left of her periphery had changed the shingles of their roof again (surely this was the doing of an importunate woman?), this time from shell pink to kelly green.

Last time they had had blue and pink hydrangeas to match in the window-sill compartments. (Which was a pretty sight.) This time they seemed to have chosen marigolds and some other shrubbery of some sort. Rhododendrons, perhaps?

Her eye flickered over to a movement in the local general practitioner's porch. It seemed the milkman was flirting with the doctor's daughter again. The girl in question was reciprocating rather coquettishly.

She blinked as her attention diverted to a sound her ears had picked up. It sounded like—

_Someone_ had broken into her house again.

At that Lucy's eyebrows twitched in irritation. Why did nobody ever respect her privacy at all? How dare they consecutively invade her peaceful sanctum?

She got up, mumbling profanities under her breath (so unsavoury that it would have burnt the ears of her guildmates if they knew) and went out to investigate.

She blinked when she saw who her unexpected guests in the living-room were.

She hadn't expected them. Or rather, _her_.

"Wendy?" Lucy exclaimed. "Erza? What are you guys doing here? Back from your mission already?" She really hadn't anticipated the Sky Dragon Slayer to one day impose on her too. She didn't seem to like troubling others…

"Oh, um, hi, Lucy-san! Good morning, we're sorry to intrude!" Wendy shot up from her seat in a panic. Lucy idly noted that both—no, all three were dripping wet.

So was her sofa now. Oh, how it was going to _stink_.

"We got caught in the rain on the way to the guild, and we happened to be in Strawberry Street, so we came here," Erza calmly offered.

Lucy huffed, still in a slightly ruffled mood. None of her fellow guildmates ever bothered to knock before entering, did they? It would have been nice if she could have some preconceived warning… "Make yourselves at home," she conceded with a sigh, realising at the same time that they already had taken the liberty of doing so. So much for her house. What was it, a second home for everyone?

"Tea?" Wendy timidly offered, perceiving that their reluctant host was still slightly disagreeable with the arrangement.

Lucy acceded to the peace offering, smiling ruefully. "Thanks." She sipped, and frowned. "This isn't my tea…I only have green or red." Now that she thought about it, shouldn't she have noticed earlier? She was probably still half-asleep. A wry expression flitted across her face.

"Oh, it's Carla's Darjeeling tea! She carries a stock about her," Wendy volunteered helpfully.

Lucy looked at the white cat quietly sipping her tea without pause and murmured, "She really likes it, huh…"

"She doesn't like being drenched to the bone, so she's warming up," Wendy explained.

"Cats abhor water after all." Lucy continued sipping the warm rich tea. Her brain was really starting to rev up now with some caffeine in her system.

"This tea…is wonderful. It complements my cake really well…mmm." Erza appeared to be in a rhapsody of gastronomical delight.

"Of course it does! Darjeeling tea has a complex palette-" The white Exceed finally deigned to enter the conversation and proceeded to enlighten Erza on the fine details of her beloved beverage.

Lucy watched on bemusedly while Wendy smiled nervously at her cat's eloquence on the subject.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the self-same witch's kitchen, were hiding two very contented, yet disgruntled little bandits. Infiltration and theft mission had been a roaring success—they had stuffed themselves to the limit, so much so that now Lucy's cupboards were sadly devoid of any food left. (Natsu's guffaw of victory really had roused Lucy.) They had been about to take their leave via the front door when the heavens decided to open sesame a deluge—as if all the gods had been drinking riotously, holding it in and then decided to piss for all they were worth simultaneously.<p>

The torrent had then brought Erza, Wendy and Carla. That required a quick repair to the kitchen in the hopes they would not be discovered.

And the reason they had not made a quick getaway from the beginning was plainly because:

"Happy, can you use Aera now?" Natsu hissed, edgy. Any moment someone might walk in-!

Happy whimpered, biting his lip. He clutched his belly and shook his head disconsolately; tears garnering in his eyes at the sharp twists of pain.

"Damn…"Natsu swore, impotent.

The blue Exceed was suffering from a common malady when overindulging one's gluttonous yearnings: indigestion. The pain and discomfort was obstructing him from galvanising his magic properly. At any rate, even if he had been able to, one doubts Happy could have flown straight, let alone carry a passenger.

"I think I need to go potty, Natsu…" Happy moaned. "What a waste of all that food…"

Natsu muttered imprecations as he swung his companion up onto his shoulder and headed to the lavatory. "All right, let's go. Don't shit on me again."

"I just hatched!" Happy wailed, agitated by the memory and his bowel movements.

"I stank for a week after that, and Gray wouldn't stop calling me a shithead," Natsu grumbled. He drew aside the green curtain that marked the entrance of Lucy's bathroom.

"GYAAAAH!"

Natsu's head nearly exploded, both from the eardrum-bursting scream and the fata morgana before him. His eyes traitorously wandered over the expanse of milky skin, rose and cream—wait a minute.

He blinked as he smelt a familiar pungent pong encroaching on the slightly greasy whiff he associated with only one person…accompanied by a damp feeling on his torso.

"EEEEH?!" Both cat and boy yelled.

"What the heck are you doing here, you rude moron?!" Gray Fullbuster snapped, irritated beyond belief.

"Happy!" He ejaculated exasperatedly, ignoring his rival for the moment. There was now a black mess littering the pristine white tiles like an ink blot on paper. A dark stain was present as well on Natsu's vest.

"I'm sorry!" Happy wailed, ashamed and desolate. "I was so shocked to see Gray here in his birthday suit! My eyes hurt!" He blabbered.

"What the hell are you doing here, perverted bastard?!" Natsu growled, returning his attention back to the impromptu stripper. "You porn freak, lying in wait naked in a girl's bathroom like this!"

"Yeah, speak of the devil," Happy agreed as he situated himself on the toilet in case of an emergency pang. "You're stalking Lucy again. Naked. Completely. You liiiiiiiiiiike her~" He managed to purr mischievously, rolling out the word for further effect.

"I am not!" The ice mage protested his innocence. "I was hiding from Juvia!"

"Here? Oh, by the way, you scream like a girl. For a second I really thought you were one, jeez." Natsu clucked his tongue in disbelief.

"You've gone deaf, that's all, bird head. You and your wishful thinking,"Gray grumbled. "Juvia doesn't know where Lucy lives. Just as well. She might try strangling her in her sleep," he added as a second thought.

"What happened to all your clothes again? Surely you can't have lost them all!" Happy piped up. "Oh wait you can. So you came here nude?"

"Don't ask me. I never know," Gray muttered.

"Ufufufufu…" Happy giggled giddily. "They say you can stand naked in front of the person you love…"

It was at this precise moment the women bustled in to check what all the commotion in the commodity room was. The men froze. Gray grabbed a towel.

"EEEH?!" Both Lucy and Wendy shrieked, flushing while Erza and Carla remained unfazed. The latter and Wendy did turn away though.

"Honestly!" The white cat exclaimed with arms akimbo, cognizant what the mess on the floor was. "The gall of a tomcat is unbelievable!" Happy had the decency to blush.

Lucy groaned and slapped her forehead. "Oh, Happy!"

"I'm so sorry!" The guilty-as-charged feline caterwauled.

Erza raised an eyebrow and queried stoically, "Why are you three here in Lucy's bathroom? A rendezvous to bathe together?"

"That sounds so wrong on so many levels." Lucy coughed.

"Aye!" Happy cheerily added his two cents.

"Not 'Aye!'!" Natsu and Gray yelled.

Enter Juvia Loxar Version 2.0, the very person Gray had been evading frantically all day; flouncing in with an air of great accomplishment as her blue hair waved eagerly. "Aha! Gray-sama, Juvia has found you—wait! Why is my rival in love here?" The undine metamorphosed into a banshee as she turned eyes full of jealous rage towards the blonde.

"Because this is my house…" Lucy muttered dejectedly.

"They came to bathe together as nakama. They forgot to invite us though," Erza calmly explained. "It's good that we all gathered at Lucy's house after all."

Juvia gasped, a shriek of pain echoing within as everyone was once more treated to Juvia's hectic imaginings running amok.

"_You naughty boy, don't peek." A purring Lucy enters the bathroom with a towel wrapped sinuously round her. "At least, not yet." Saying so, she drags the cloth down her buxom chest and drops it, climbs into the tub and crawls over a gulping Gray, straddling him. Lucy's innocuous smile has a list of the lascivious about it as she murmurs demurely, "You wash me and I'll wash you." She guides his fumbling hands as her own go south…_

"STOP!" Lucy shrieked, her face a blazing klaxon of a fire-fighter siren. Carla had covered Wendy's innocent eyes and ears as well as her own. Erza's face was agape with a slight flush. Juvia herself was having a blue fit at the hypothetical conjecture of the 'tryst'.

"What's everyone so excited for, as a cat I don't see any SA at all!" Happy blinked his eyes and chirped, grinning maliciously, "Lucy liiiiiiiikes Gray~! In a NAUGHTY way!"

"I don't!" The hapless girl was feeling very dazed.

"But he came here naked! You're just going to refuse him like that? Oh, how it hurts, unrequited love!" Happy laid a paw to his forehead melodramatically.

"…Who are we even talking about now?" Lucy inquired dryly.

And as for the two hearty men in the house? They were enjoying it very much, faces flushed from all the blood rushing there. One could hardly blame them. Imagine, two 100% red-blooded men complete with all the foibles of men, plus the very erotic fantasy. Remember Juvia's imagination is very vivid. So it is in High Definition, consummated with Dolby Surround Sound.

A wonder they weren't out cold yet from blood loss.

Erza rotated mechanically towards Lucy, staring at her as though she had never laid eyes upon her before. "Lucy—I didn't think you could b-b-be like t-that," she stuttered slightly in a staccato beat.

"That wasn't me!" Lucy defended herself hysterically.

"…Could you…t-t-teach…?"

"NO WAY! I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYWAY!"

"Lucy has no SA anyway." Happy piped up. Lucy choked as she begged to differ.

Erza regained her composure after a while. She cleared her throat as she told Juvia contritely, "I meant Natsu and Gray came here to bathe together."

"Erza!" The collected fulmination came in vain.

The girl gave a heart-rending groan. _"Boys' love?"_ She keened, hands over her mouth.

"Here we go again," Happy informed the rest jauntily as he blocked his ears and clenched his eyes shut. _Natsu and Gray…? This is going to get ugly._

"Who wants fresh popcorn?" The faraway voice of a peddler out in the streets called. (The rain had by this time trickled to a stop.)

"Not us," Lucy muttered as she and the rest minus Happy (he still had to defecate) and Erza (presumably to enjoy the show, calm Juvia down, or correct her again, or all three) made a hurried escape to the living-room.

"But I do!" Happy objected.

"Clean up your own kitty litter first, stupid cat," Lucy reproached.

Happy pouted.

"Gray! Put on some clothes! And Natsu…did Happy pass motion on you?"

His face reddened in shame.

Not one soul noticed Erza furtively wipe a minuscule trickle of blood that had managed to escape her iron self-control.

* * *

><p>Explanations and excuses ensued. (Another fracas of Natsu vs. Gray; as usual Erza won with a KO.) Misunderstandings were cleared. At least…for most.<p>

Juvia muttered to herself, "So now there is Natsu-san and Erza-san to watch out for as rivals! But _Lucy_," She hissed the name as though it was a most disagreeable substance in her mouth, "is still the greatest danger! The obstacle! My rival in love!"

She still assumes Gray to be hyperbolically bisexual.

"Um…" Lucy sweated. "I'm not after Gray…"

"So she says," Happy mimicked Horologium. Lucy pinched him by the scruff of his neck ("EYAAH! Lucy's going to eat me!") and flung him back towards Natsu.

"She lies! Juvia has seen the evidence before her eyes! The fortuitous touches, those are actually premeditated!" The blue-haired girl screeched.

Passing on…

Summary chastisement was handed down to the menfolk by Titania and Lucy.

"What were you thinking, eating all I had? You selfish gluttons! You wouldn't have had indigestion if you hadn't, Happy!"

Happy scrutinised his toes (if he had any) carefully. Natsu tried counting the tiny rough spikes of paint on the ceiling, and subsequently failed. Gray gazed out the window raptly. His clothes had all been tracked down helpfully by his faithful fan girl. All three had throbbing-red, steadily-swelling lumps on their heads.

"And here I was thinking that you two were finally bonding properly," Erza murmured, disappointed.

"You wouldn't have had to clean up your own waste either!"

"But it's your fault for having so much in the first place. We were just helping so it wouldn't go to waste. You're a glutton too, that's why you're so heavy," Happy shot back sulkily. His indigestion had been healed thanks to Wendy.

Lucy spluttered at the outrageous accusation.

"So you were going to find a mission after this?" Erza enquired.

Nods of assent.

"All right. Let's all go."

"Eeeeh…? That means we have to share the reward!" Happy bleated. (Mewled, in a literal sense.)

"We'll split the proceeds on a ratio according to how much work each of us puts in," Erza turned towards the door. "Wendy and I will pick out the mission with the most Jewels offered."

"…Okay…" Wendy consented. Carla alighted on her shoulder.

"Natsu, clean that up or change. Gray, help him, and put your clothes back on. Juvia, stay with them to prevent trouble. Lucy, clear the tea things and change. Happy can assist. We'll meet up at the guild in around 15 minutes' time. Is that clear?" After firing her curt orders like a firearm she marched outside, back ramrod straight, her demeanour very military-like.

"Crystal," All and sundry muttered in submission of the authority shown.

* * *

><p>Erza tapped her boot a little impatiently as she waited for the rest to arrive at the guild archway. Wendy and Carla, though, were a different story. Frankly, they were uneasy at the job Erza had chosen.<p>

First, Natsu, Gray and Juvia arrived, the boys brawling on the way as expected; but became docile again at the sight of the redhead reaper. They gazed at Erza with varying expressions of curiosity (except Juvia, who was looking at the object of her affections with a lovesick expression.)

Then, Lucy and Happy came, bickering. They quietened after a stern glance sent their way.

Finally came the moment of the revealing. Wendy fidgeted while Carla swallowed.

Erza held out the missive.

* * *

><p><strong>PLEASE ANSWER!<strong>

**I NEED EMPLOYEES FOR MY NEWLY OPENED MAID CAFÉ,**_** SWEET **__**VIRGO **_**IN ACALYPHA TOWN****  
><strong>

**REWARD: 350,000 J for each person per week**

* * *

><p>Dead silence.<p>

"Ahahahaha!" Natsu chortled, slapping his thigh. "That's the best job for Lucy!"

"Aye!" Happy agreed, giggling as he clutched his itchy tummy.

"Shut up you guys!" Lucy blurted. "It's not that funny!" She folded her arms defensively.

"But it is," they gasped for breath, tears inching out from the hilarity. "You have that Virgo girl don't you?" Natsu reminded her.

"So….?"

"That's why it's perfect for you!" They burst into howls of laughter once more.

"Children," Lucy complained.

"But that's…for girls," Gray ventured, bewildered.

"The client never specified a gender. The meaning is rather ambiguous, so it should be all right." Erza pointed out the loophole in his argument.

"So does that mean I can be hired, too?" Happy chimed in.

Erza said indulgently, "It's possible."

"Hmm…I can do it all right," Lucy consented, relieved. The salary was five times her rent…yes!

"You really wanted to be a maid, didn't you?" Happy purred, mischief glinting in his eyes.

"Shut up, cat." Lucy's tone turned dark.

"Gray-sama will get to see Juvia as a maid…yes!" Her eyes gleamed, her goal in sight. "Juvia will be the cutest maid there! Then Gray-sama will fall for meeee!" She squealed, off into her own world again.

Gray sweated at the wistful assumption.

Erza raised an enquiring eyebrow. "Well, Natsu, Gray?"

Natsu let out a 'hmmm'. He was still cogitating on it.

"Just do it, Natsu! We're flat broke!" Happy reminded him, anxious of their financial situation. "Even if you have to pretend to be a girl to be a maid! Wait, that sounds like a good idea—everyone can serve me fish on a silver salver…" Slavering, Happy went off into a happy daydream of heaping plates of fish…

"No comment," Lucy muttered. Gray shook his head, of the same sentiment. Wendy laughed while Carla rolled her eyes. "Clothes." Lucy addressed the ice mage, pointing. This produced an astonished yelp.

"350, 000 J to watch Lucy work as a maid…that sounds fun," Natsu muttered in deep thought. Instead of a penny, he received a bash to his head for his thoughts.

"You pervert!" Lucy exclaimed, her face _nearly_ the same shade of Natsu's hair.

"Oh right, Lucy, from now on you have to address me as your master now!" Happy said gleefully.

"Not to a cat!"

"Ice prick's the pervert," he replied half-heartedly. "All right, I'm going for it. It can't be too hard."

"I am no pervert, you pink-haired doofus." Gray said, vexed. "I don't have a good feeling about this…"

"Oh come on, scaredy-cat. What's the worst that can happen?" Natsu threw out insouciantly.

Gray mumbled under his breath, "You just cursed us, imbecile." Still intransigent on his premonition, he acquiesced to go along for the ride.

It wasn't like he would be coerced into a costume once he set foot on the premises, right…?

"I heard you, coward!"

"Oh yeah, busybody flicker? What's it to you, huh?"

"Icy bastard-!"

"You guys!" Titania Erza loomed over them ominously, which had the immediate reaction of terrified obedience.

"Hai! (Aye!)" They submissively put their arms round each other in all manner of superficial felicity just to pacify the disciplinarian. Juvia glared at Natsu, convinced he was groping her Gray-sama.

"Wendy?" Satisfied for the moment that her recalcitrant charges were behaving, Erza turned to the lass in question.

Wendy demurred. She was exhausted and couldn't keep on her toes anymore. Besides, Carla did not seem too pleased of the idea. She had had another portent of the way things would go, perhaps. Hopefully everyone would come back safe and sound, unscarred and uninjured.

Carla would have spoken out if it'd get too perilous, right…?

"Why not, Wendy? It'll be more fun if we all go!" Natsu tried to coax her.

The girl whimpered and made a face. "My mission with Erza was really tiring, so I'll pass."

_That's for sure._ Juvia, Lucy and Gray had the same thought in their minds.

"Aww…" Happy had a moue on his face as he bemoaned. "Carla, come along! You'd be a hundred times cuter than Lucy as a maid!"

"No." The white Exceed sniffed.

Lucy smiled pensively as she mused; _Love really is a subjective thing, eh._

"Lucy, you've got another sunfish smile again. You're freaking me out!" Happy pointed out.

"You'll understand when you get older," She declared haughtily.

"Then I don't want to get older if that's what you turn into," He retorted.

"Silly cat." She threw back.

"Then we'll set out at 8.30 from the train station." Erza turned to stroll towards Fairy Hills, presumably to pack her whole wagonload of supererogatory luggage. (Natsu railed futilely.) "One of you had better tell Mira how many of us are taking the request and that we'll be departing today," she added.

Lucy went to inform the mage-cum-barmaid. Juvia went back to Gray-gazing while he and Natsu picked a fight; Happy occasionally commentating while trying to twist his crush's arm to stay.

Wendy walked with Erza. Back to her nice spacy room in Fairy Hills, to her comfy bed that she was dying to sink in…

But first she had to shower.

* * *

><p>Summary of what happened after: they purchased tickets, mounted, Natsu immediately got sick, Erza knocked him out to prevent him from barfing on anyone (and hung him out the window to save space), Juvia hogged the seat next to Gray (who managed to peel off some clothes twice), smiling a saccharine-sweet smile of triumph to goad Lucy, which she duly ignored (in her humble opinion, it was disturbing), they snacked on sandwiches (Happy on a cuttlefish) after the switching of trains, and arrived. They did remember to drag Natsu off the train, and decided it was more practical to heave him onto Erza's luggage load.<p>

If she could tow that many bags, she certainly wouldn't mind approximately 50 more kilos.

Despite Natsu's weak cries of help, nobody heeded them.

They had forgotten this rudimentary one fact: a wagon is still a vehicle. So Natsu remained ill.

After some mild confusion as to where their client's place of business was and some asking around for directions, they found it. (Natsu was duly dragged off by Gray. He fell with a thump on the pavement, and started yelling, consequently leading to another childish squabble, which Erza immediately dissipated with an angry cough. Rather like a mother hen, Lucy mused.)

A rather retro-like storefront with pink, green and yellow as the main theme; it proudly carried its signboard printed in black cursive calligraphy: _Sweet Virgo_.

Erza scrutinised the chained glass doors with a "Sorry We're Closed" placard hanging by a rubber sucker. Then she saw an old-fashioned bell pull, lily-shaped and lily-pink. She proceeded to ring it. The bell chimed a penetrating note within.

A silhouette appeared, harum-scarum, and unlocked the doors. He emerged into view.

"EH?!" Lucy, Gray, Happy and Natsu (who felt lightheaded all over again) were flabbergasted enough to shriek as their jaws dropped. "MASTER BOB?!"

Erza remained calm, but still showed a momentary discomfiture. Juvia had never met the obese master of Blue Pegasus before.

"Oh, it's you, Fairy Tail mages! I _was_ hoping you'd take the request! Especially since," He sidled over to the petrified men, "you two are sooo my type…"He drawled, giggling.

Juvia was boiling-hot furious. Another rival! As expected of her Gray-sama, he was ever so popular among both men and women!

"Back off! Gray-sama is Juvia's!" She shouted with all the fury of an impassioned jealous woman.

Gray had never been so thankful for Juvia before.

"Oh? You're taken?" Master Bob's breezy countenance became disappointed. "But this cutie isn't, right?" He beamed as he approached the horrified Natsu.

"GYAAAH!" A surprisingly feminine shriek rose out of Natsu's throat as he made a dash for safety behind an alarmed Lucy. "I'M STRAIGHT, I'M STRAIGHT! GRAY'S THE ONE WHO'S GAY!"

Gray immediately put a frightening-faced Juvia between him and Master Bob. "NO HE'S LYING! I'M STRAIGHT TOO!" He panicked when he saw the man turn towards him hopefully. "REALLY!"

Master Bob sighed. "Aww…I was hoping to have a chance with one of you…" His face turned ruddy as he giggled. "Or perhaps even both…?"

"NO WAY!" Both boys squawked from their respective female shields; expressions akin to The Scream by deceased Norwegian painter Edvard Munch.

Then he (seemed to) set his sights on Happy.

"NONONO! I'M STRAIGHT TOO! A SIX—NO, THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD EXCEED WITH SIGNS OF ADVANCED PUBERTY!" Happy scrammed for Lucy's back too. Lucy now resembled a short human train—she the engine, Natsu and Happy the carriages.

"Happy, you don't need to hide behind me!"

"But I'm a boy!"

"Says the one who says he's a cat at the girls' dorms. You're a male cat; you don't need to be scared."

"But there have been tales of people using animals for their own depraved desires!" Happy screeched, agitated.

"Master Bob won't stoop that low. Right, Master?"

"Fufufu…of course." He chuckled pleasantly.

"Everyone can lie," Happy mumbled darkly.

Erza interrupted their little hubbub. "Master, inform us of what we need to do."

"Ah, of course, Erza-chan! Thanks for reminding me! Come in, come in! Have a seat and we'll talk!" Master Bob went back in the café. Erza followed at a sedate pace.

Lucy made to follow, but was stopped by Natsu and Happy. "What now? You don't have to go in you know."

"It's dangerous!" Natsu hissed, panicky as Happy whimpered.

"It won't be." Lucy reassured. "Come on now…he won't do anything to you…" _Yet. _The word resonated in her mind as she dragged both cat and boy into the café, both looking terrified of their fate. They looked at the rest of the world as though it was the last time they would ever see it.

"I think we're in for hell," Natsu whispered a previous pun he had cracked to Happy, a woebegone expression on his mug.

Happy nodded dolefully.

Juvia took a step towards the entrance. Gray matched it. She turned to look at him. Her Gray-sama looked so pale, so frightened, he'd even broken out into a cold sweat…

She reached out to press his hand comfortingly. "Juvia will be your shield," she told him determinedly.

He was surprised at her warm gesture, but grateful. He returned her smile.

Together they walked in.

"Oh, Gray-sama, please dress."

"ACK! Where did they go…?"

* * *

><p>"Well?" Erza enquired of their client. They were seated in this order around one of the café's round tables in a clockwise direction: Erza, Master Bob, Lucy, Natsu, Happy, Gray and Juvia. The latter was currently over the moon at the recent happenings: Gray-sama had smiled at her! Was sitting next to her! Was grateful!<p>

As a result she barely heard a word of what the Master of Blue Pegasus had to say.

"I need waiters for my maid café—"

"Wait. _Waiters_?" Erza was palpably baffled by this turn of events.

"Oh yes. Didn't you see the colour theme? _Green _and _yellow_?" Master Bob enquired, laying stress on the colours emphatically.

Not one single person got what he was hinting at. It was quiet enough to hear a crow cawing outside, which only served to amplify the awkwardness.

Master Bob rallied, and bravely tried again, "I opened this establishment for people like me. You know, A.C – D.C. guys…" He twiddled his thumbs, fiddling with his fingers.

The penny dropped with a deafening clang. So did jaws. Gray felt a horrifying impulse to flee before it was too late. Only Erza remained calm enough to question, "So women cannot apply for the post…?"

Before Master Bob could reply, Natsu interposed a question. "I still don't get it! What's all this ABC stuff…" He scratched his shock of pink hair restlessly.

Palms met foreheads with a slap. "Natsu, you idiot…This is a gay café! Understand?" Gray expounded, exasperated.

"So…" The cogs clicked into place audibly in Natsu's brain.

"3…2…1." Happy counted down to the explosion placidly.

Mt. Natsu blew up. "GEEEH?! ERZA, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUSLY DOING THIS TO US?!"

"Oh come now, it won't be that bad! This is such a fine specimen too, _look _at his pink hair! Positively exotic! And this one is _such_ a handsome one…come along, you have to get fitted, you'll look sexy in the uniforms, I'm sure of that! Ribbons, ripped sleeves, lace, bodice, corset, flaring skirt and all…" Master Bob cooed as his cheeks bloomed red at the image.

The men screamed like little girls and tried to skedaddle, but were caught by Erza, who handed them over to a gleeful Master Bob. "Be my guest," she told him solemnly.

"Be strong, Natsu!" Happy called encouragement. "Natsu didn't even have to pretend to be a girl after all. Shame on you, Lucy! Natsu and Gray got the job quicker than you!"

"It's not my fault I didn't fit in the job parameters! Erza, are you sure about this…?" Lucy was apprehensive as she watched the melee.

"This will be a good exercise to reinforce their spirit as best friends," Erza stated seriously. "They have to learn to get along properly now, so this is for the best."

Master Bob dragged them away to a pink door with a gilded sign 'Staff Only' as the two stooges struggled futilely for freedom. The giggling middle-aged man had placed a slight paralyzing spell on them.

"HAPPY! LUCY! SAVE ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE WITH THE BUTT BANDIT!"

"JUVIA! WAKE UP ALREADY! HELP PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ONE OF MY BOXERS, I SWEAR!"

"CALL THE MILITARY, SOMEONE!"

Juvia then burst out of her little bubble and blinked, a little disorientated. Where was her Gray-sama…?

Ah!

She stood up from her seat just in time to see her beloved swallowed into a room with the obese man.

"_Ah!"_ She screamed. "Gray-sama!" She sprinted for the room but was halted by a complacent Erza.

"But Gray-sama…!" She protested, shuddering. "He'll be alone in a locked room with two people who might—"

"He'll be fine," Erza reassured, smiling. "Just sit back and enjoy the show." Suiting the action to the word, she crossed her legs and proceeded to gaze out at the street while waiting for the boys to finish baking.

"I really hope so," Lucy mused.

"Oooh," Happy giggled. "You liiiiiike him~!"

"Who is 'him'?"

"You know who I'm talking about!"

"No. Enlighten me."

"It's—"

"Gray-sama is Juvia's!" Happy's voice was drowned out by a jealous Juvia's.

"Ah!" Lucy's eyes widened as she remembered something important. "There goes 350,000 J out the window," she lamented. "Erza, can I go back to the guild to pick out another mission?"

"YES! Now Gray-sama is all mine~!" Juvia exulted. "But now he'll never see Juvia as an adorable maid either…" Her mood dampened.

"And there'll only be two maids to serve me fish and call me Master!" caterwauled Happy.

"You're still on that?" Lucy muttered.

"Calm down. The Master hasn't said that women can't be employed. I'll ask him again later. Just now Natsu interrupted."

"Oh…" All three were hopeful and content again.

Manly (okay, not so manly) screams reverberated in the air, originating from the 'Staff Only' room, followed by verbose profanity. Fulminating pieces of invective floated out. Laments and moans and pleas and screeches and whatnot waltzed right after.

"What is going on in there…?" Lucy murmured, creeped out. "Are they being tortured…?"

Juvia's pale face had taken on a washed-out complexion for fear of her Gray-sama. "They sound like they are being murdered…"

Happy's face was dark with horror. "More like they're being raped!"

Juvia let out a little scream. Lucy went pale. Happy felt the world was turning itself upside-down.

Erza aired her opinion. "I think it's just the corsets."

"The wha…?" Happy was befuddled.

Lucy shivered as she reminisced those times she had been forced to wear one of those wickedly suffocating _agonising_ pieces of clothing. "Corsets are a type of medieval feminine undergarment where the waist is squeezed up till it feels you could actually die by it." She added, "I thought he was joking about the corsets. Ah, how I pity them!" She sympathised.

Juvia mused, "Does it make you look good?"

Lucy shrugged. "I suppose it does shrink the waist and make the hips more prominent."

Juvia made a mental note to try one of those. How bad could it be, she had a body made out of water after all!

"Then it hasn't done you any good at all, Lucy," Happy supplied. Lucy gritted her teeth.

Silence reigned for a while. Happy broke it by asking, "What do you think they'll look like?"

Lucy looked up at the ceiling as she wondered, "Yeah…"

"Gray-sama will look wonderful no matter what he wears!" Juvia insisted staunchly.

"We shall just have to wait and see." Erza chuckled.

A few minutes later, the door of 'Staff Only' opened to reveal two very resentful maids followed by an elated (and nose bleeding) Master Bob, proud of his handicraft. Jaws dropped. Breaths hitched. Gasps heralded the advent of appraisal. A thump followed.

Juvia had swooned, a silly smile on her face.

"You've done a good job of them, Master Bob." Erza clapped as she swept her eyes over them approvingly, like a mother gauging her two clean children out of the bathroom.

"Thank you! They're so cute, aren't they?" Master Bob cupped his corpulent cerise cheeks.

Lucy wasn't sure if she could hold in the tide of laughter she knew was about to overcome and pour out of her. Oh, they really did look funny…

Happy was shell-shocked speechless. Lucy stole a glance at the frozen feline and managed to ask sarcastically, "What's wrong, cat got your tongue?"

When he found his wits and his powers of speech he choked out, "Natsu's turned uke…"

Juvia looked haunted as she sat up. "So has Gray-sama…"

"Shut up," Gray groused with asperity.

"But you do look endearing in it, Gray-sama," Juvia tried to cheer him up. In fact, she wasn't sure whether to be upset or squeal and grab a camera.

"Don't laugh," Natsu grouched acrimoniously at Lucy who was positively squirming to.

"I'm trying," she wheezed. She _really_ should have brought a camera…

"Natsu, it really doesn't suit you. Try and be more girly, will you?" Happy interpolated disparagingly.

"What…" Natsu was visibly put out by his cat's fashion advice.

Master Bob chirped, "All right, let's practice! Welcome home, Master!"

His two involuntary employees looked at him sullenly with faces practically screaming "You have got to be kidding me."

Erza interpolated, "Master, what about us? You did not discriminate against gender in your request."

Master Bob slapped a hand to his head in a fit of remembrance. "Ah yes! I forgot. You see, I didn't think if I put that I wanted waiters for a gay maid café anyone would come. Voluntarily, that is. So I made it vague, and sent the missives to be posted at all the guilds. It's better for mages to apply; they can look after themselves. Customers could want little tricks too. So at least some girls would come, right?"

Everyone nodded, comprehending. He reached into his pocket and removed a purple vial, holding it out.

"What's that?" Happy piped up, curious. Lucy wondered whether she should crack another cat-related phrase, and decided against it.

Master Bob beamed. "Curiosity killed the cat~" He sang, wagging his finger. Lucy twitched. "Anyway, this is a gender switch potion. Take one drop diluted in a glass of water. The effects remain so until you take the antidote." He held up a yellow ampoule. "Make sure you also take this diluted in water. One drop: no more, no less. These two are highly concentrated and the effects would be long-lasting and quite ugly if you play around or tamper anyhow with them." He grimaced.

Lucy wondered if _that_ was exactly what he had done.

Erza nodded. "Very well. I accept the conditions. You two?" She turned towards Lucy and Juvia.

Juvia acquiesced promptly. Perhaps Gray-sama might fall for her male form…?

Lucy hesitated for a bit, then the money incentive hit her, and she concurred.

The men looked on interestedly as Master Bob headed to the kitchen to fetch three glasses of water and cautiously tilt a drop of the concoction into each. Everyone watched with bated breaths as the purple drops glowed, expanded into gossamer snowflakes and oscillated into the water with a pop. A mauve precipitate hovered around the surface.

"Pick them up and swirl. They haven't fully dissolved yet," Master Bob warned. His lips twisted as he looked at the ingredient list. "Very strong indeed—white merkel root, asafoetida, an Ophelia Tear, mandrake slices, scarlet paprika, jimsonweed, salamander blood…"

"Salamander blood…?" Natsu and Happy exclaimed, perking up.

"Yes, taken from a Giant Painted Hellbender."

"…I don't think that's Igneel after all…"Natsu said, depressed.

"Aye…"

The three mages did as he said. The mixture was now a cerulean shade.

"Yes—that's the proper colour. Down the hatch now," The Master encouraged.

Juvia greedily slurped it. Erza followed suit steadily. Lucy gulped it, anxious.

Why was she the only one unsure about this…?

It tastes, she mused, rather like that ginseng tea sprinkled liberally with rhubarb and ginger her maid Mary was so fond of brewing. Like medicine.

She felt fine for a moment. So normal that she figured maybe the potion was a dud—

And then the piercing twisting stretching _burning_ agony came.

It felt like she had been thrown off a building and splattered all over the ground. It felt as if a stampede of bulls had trampled all over her. Then she was squeezed into an iron perforation, a nail driving _boring_ into her— then she was being stretched by all four sides, snapping and recoiling like a rubber band. It was as though she was being lynched, drawn and quartered, so great and _extreme_ was the throbbing pain that was her…

She thought she was _dying_. And being reborn again, and again, and again…

She vaguely wondered what all the noise was, and realised it was _her_ screaming. There were tears streaming down her face that she didn't recognise as hers.

She never dreamed the term "senseless with pain" was actually possible.

* * *

><p>The men fidgeted anxiously as they watched the fair ladies (except Erza) practically scream their heads off, convulsing and rolling and griping on the floor. Titania merely leaned against the wall, her countenance pallid with the suffering.<p>

"Hormone conversion, bone and muscle reconstruction, tissue altering," explained the rotund Master as he glanced at them bashfully. "Very painful." He flinched. "I know, I have experience."

The maids and cat sweated.

The phase drew to an end.

The girls shuddered, sighed, and one last hyperventilation shook their frames like a broiling earthquake. They opened their eyes, dazed.

They had changed alright. The transformation had worked. The physiognomies of their faces definitely had a masculine shape to it, wider, stronger, not as dainty as before.

And there was the blatant omission staring in their faces: the three former women were now as flat as boards.

They looked lean, lithe and lanky. The one thing that remained the same was their hair length.

Erza fingered hers contemplatively. Lucy brushed her tears off her face as she sat up. Juvia groaned, feeling completely wretched.

"I think Lucy and Juvia should cut their hair," Erza said broodingly in a deep resonant bass that seemed to shock her—no, him.

"Hmm?" Lucy's hitherto rich baritone hummed. "What about you?" He seemed stunned himself, trying out his new vocal cords tentatively.

"I'll look fine when I tie it up, but I think you two will look dashing if you cut your hair," Erza replied.

"What do you think, Juvia?" Lucy queried. "Are you okay?" He was alarmed at the sight of the prostrate water mage.

"Juvia will be all right," The boy muttered. "Juvia thinks so too; wavy hair like this does not complement a—boy." He hesitated over the last word, reluctant to admit it to himself.

"Okay. I'll summon Cancer," Lucy got up, and nearly tripped, wobbling. "Whoa…I really feel…empty here." He patted his chest. "It's so light…"

"It is, isn't it?" Erza agreed, smiling. Juvia poked his gingerly, startled.

Needless to say, the (original) men were dumbfounded at their colleagues' new appearances.

"What's up with this…"Gray whispered, as though afraid to break the silence.

"Aye…" Natsu was at a loss for words.

"They definitely look better than you guys," Happy said facetiously.

The men glared at the cat. Master Bob hummed, pleased. All of a sudden he collapsed, nose gushing a spout of blood.

"AH! What's wrong with him?"

"Gray, you stripped. Are you trying to seduce him?" Happy said jestingly.

"ACK! NO! Where did it go…?"

"Ahahahaha! You perverted freak, I knew you were a homo!"

"I'm not, you burnt nitwit!"

Their regular scrimmage started again.

"Guys…" Erza warned. He raised an incredulous eyebrow at Gray. His face grew foreboding with a gimlet gaze. "You stripped, Gray." The intonation of his tone was as steel.

Gray gulped, and somehow miraculously encountered his uniform in his hand in the space of a second. He tugged it on haphazardly.

The demon turned away, mollified. Gray let out the breath he had been holding.

His skirt fell around his ankles. Natsu roared with laughter at the wretched sight of his rival. Master Bob passed out happily enough as the imprint of his departed soul went AWOL. Gray groaned despondently. "Somebody help…?" He tried weakly to adjust the garters and several other adjuncts and accessories, fancies and frills that he did not even know existed and categorically did not know how to use but _somehow _managed to undo.

Happy tittered. "You're wearing your skirt backwards."

"How do you know, Happy?" Natsu scratched his head, puzzled. Or rather he TRIED to, what with the ruched white hairband mandatory to a maid placed lovingly there by Master Bob.

"The apron's attached to the front!" Happy lifted his chin, full of pride.

"Oh yeah…! You're smart, Happy! But, what's with the apron…"

Gray raised his eyes to the heavens. This was getting ludicrous. "Um…one of you gir—Juvia, Lucy, a little help here…?"

"My pleasure, Gray-sama!" Juvia was by his side in an instant, tying up all loose ends and adjusting the whole ensemble proficiently. Gray tried not to point out that she—he was purposely letting his hands stray too close to some places for his liking… Now Juvia's fingers were coyly gliding up his thigh. It was making him nervy.

He also tried to ignore the little voice in his mind that told him he was _enjoying_ being molested.

"All done, Gray-sama!" Juvia's voice sounded too smug, as though she was a cat and had just been fed the best cream. She was _purring_.

Lucy hid his smile behind his hand as he watched his colleagues' antics. Juvia misinterpreted it as horrified dismay and gloated.

Lucy inhaled, and started to invoke the incantation of his spell. "Open! The Gate of the Great Crab, Cancer!" He slashed the gilded key through the air as a magic hieroglyphic circle representing the gate grew and glowed. The Zodiac duly appeared in an effulgent dazzle, and seemed taken aback to see his mistress-now-turned-master.

"Cancer, we two need haircuts. Don't worry, we just took a potion. This is temporary," Lucy assured his spirit summons. "Taurus and Loke will probably have an apoplectic fit though…"

"Okay, ebi."

Erza went off to the 'Staff Only' room to change, tying up his hair into a ponytail on the way. He rebuffed Master Bob's assistance tactfully.

A few deft snips of Cancer's custom-made scissors later, Lucy and Juvia were looking good. "How's this, ebi?"

"It's great! Thanks, Cancer!" Lucy grinned. He looked cute, he thought. He might actually fall for himself.

"Thank you," Juvia echoed, staring at his new self in the reflection of the windowpane. He wasn't sure what to think. Would Gray-sama like him?

"I'll take my leave then, ebi." He dissipated back to the stellar plane.

Erza came out, looking pretty in the maid uniform. At least, as pretty as possible for a male. He definitely wore it better than the previous two. Happy made sure to notify Natsu and Gray of that, rubbing salt in the wound. Compliments were outpoured. (Happy laid it on thick just to rankle them.)

Juvia and Lucy went in to change too, once more rejecting help competently from a promptly revived Master Bob.

A few shrieks of pain from Lucy signified that Juvia was probably trying to dislocate a few bones with the corset.

* * *

><p>Five mage maids lined up in a row in front of Master Bob, awaiting instructions. He beamed all over his rubicund face and announced, "It is now half past ten. This gives us one and a half hours for practice. Now, give me a good welcome: Welcome home, Master!"<p>

"Wait, what do you mean—one and a half hours for practice…?" Erza enquired, lips pursed.

"The café opens at midday," The Master informed helpfully.

An appalled, nonplussed hush fell over the café like a curtain on the last act of a play. It was the calm before the storm.

And then the cacophony of catechism came.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"We're not ready yet! We just arrived and all! Open tomorrow!"

"Juvia's not cute enough yet!"

"LET THEM PRACTICE SERVING ME FIRST! Is there any fish? Who's the cook—where is he, anyway?"

"We need more rehearsing…"

"LET ME OUT OF HERE, I WANT TO GO HOME!"

"We're going to humiliate ourselves…"

Lucy felt a migraine coming. This was absurd.

Gray felt like throwing up, digging a hole, burying himself alive and dying. The whole thing was a very bad dream, a farce.

Natsu just wanted to whimper and break down. Why, oh why, had he come here?

Erza felt a growing horror that perplexed him for a moment. Then he realised with a jolt it was _stage fright_ all over again and there was a peculiar urge to start vocal exercising.

Juvia just wanted to practice serving Gray-sama first.

Happy was beside himself. Where was the fish? Every restaurant should have some!

"Now, now, calm down, you'll all be alright!" Master Bob cheerily consoled. "It's very simple: just welcome the customers nicely, serve them properly, and be very polite! That's pretty much it! Oh yes, also always make the food more delicious by injecting love in it!"

"Urgh," Natsu grimaced. "That sounds pansy…" Gray thought so as well.

"Injecting love…?" Juvia's curiosity was piqued. Was that why Gray-sama had not fallen for her—him yet?

"Like this!" Master Bob demonstrated. He shaped his fingers into a heart, and started chanting, "May my Master's food be more tasty! With the power of my love~! Ai~!" He finished with a flourish that was more comic than cute. He did try his best.

The maids weren't sure what to make of it. Three out of five of them were certain they _never_ wanted to attempt anything like that.

The Exceed did. "If I saw that while eating I'd puke. Please don't do that again," He commented sardonically.

Master Bob was stricken.

"Argh…I don't want to do anything like that. Can we just go back and pick another mission? This is stupid," Natsu bellyached, slouching as he cushioned his arms behind his head casually.

"Yeah," Gray agreed.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Erza got in front of Natsu's face, a menacing expression on his face. The latter cowered. "We've come this far, and you just want to give up? The mission's barely begun yet, and you're going to quit? This isn't you, Natsu! Where is the Natsu I know that is inside of you that charges through every obstacle fired up and victorious?" Natsu quivered like a jelly in distress of being consumed in the face of the she—er, he-monster.

"…Why are you giving him a pep talk…?" Lucy cried.

"That's Erza," Happy shrugged, sighing. The other two sweated at the absurdity.

"That's it. Master Bob, I'm taking charge. We are Fairy Tail mages, and we do our best no matter how humiliating! Everyone, practice 'injecting love'!"

"Erza…!" Natsu and Gray protested.

"You two don't deserve to wear the uniform of a maid," He began.

"…Did we say we want to…?"

He charged on, ignoring them. "A maid is supposed to be the epitome of the word 'cute'! You two," Erza shot an accusing finger at them which they shrank away from as though it were hazardous, "are disgraces! COMPLETE DISGRACES!" His voice boomed tremendously. "You look like circus freaks staining its image! Farcical copies mocking the culture!"

"There's a maid culture? Erza sure is keen…" Lucy said wryly.

"That's Erza for you," Happy replied nonchalantly. "Ufufufufu…you're just like her, into maids." He snickered inanely.

"Shut up, little kitty. Do you want me to squish your paws?" His eyes narrowed threateningly.

"You haven't changed that much after all. I thought you would be more mature like me," Happy scorned pompously.

"You mature?" Lucy snorted.

"Come, Lucy! Show them how it's done!" Erza beckoned, done with his tirade that had pretty much withered the men into quaking puddles of nerves.

"Eh…?" Lucy sweated, puzzled.

Happy tittered. "Busted…"

"Why weren't you listening while I was explaining it all?" Erza huffed, infuriated.

Lucy squeaked. "I'm sorry! Show them what exactly?"

"How your maids welcome you when you come home."

"Oh…okay. Let me see…" Lucy sketched a bow, smiling serenely. "Welcome home, milady!"

Erza pointed at the demonstration with the air of a learned connoisseur. "Do you see? Learn to smile like that! Like you're really happy to see them! That you're relieved they're home! And bow humbly to show your gratitude at the customers bothering to come to the café! Make your voices as sweet, kind and gentle as possible! Since I think it'd be a disaster if you try acting cute." The peroration ended. The men sighed with relief as their ears were granted a reprieve from another voluble diatribe.

"Now, I want you to try. Go on!"

No response. The men were still recuperating and gathering their wits.

"NATSU!"

"Aye…!"

"You go first."

"Why…? What about Gray-bastard?"

"Stop whining and get on with it!" Erza towered over him like a troll from a nightmare.

"Aye!"

"Don't just say 'Aye!'"

"Aye—I mean," Natsu cleared his throat and tried to focus his meagre attention span on the task on hand. _Smile, bow, say…welcome._ "Welcome—home…?"

"Fail," Gray remarked drolly. Juvia and Lucy shook their heads, the former disapproving, and the other doubtful.

"Cute as a hapless kitten!" Master Bob cooed, pink cheeks flashing.

"DON'T YOU DARE BLUSH!"

"Weird." Happy used his favourite word to describe Lucy.

"I thought we agreed that only Lucy is weird!" Natsu carped.

"Hey…I'm right here." Lucy's brow creased as a vein bulged.

"4.5. Work on your smile, it looks shaky and insincere. Use 'Welcome home, Master' for men and 'Welcome home, milady' for women. Clear?"

"There's even a point system—she's exactly like an instructor…" Lucy sweated at his severity.

"Erza's like that. Once she gets going, she'll drive your nose to the grindstone enthusiastically till you learn," Happy said, with the demeanour of a desensitised spectator on the side-lines.

"Gray! You're up!" Erza barked abruptly.

"Alright…" He inhaled, let an easy smile grace his features, bowed deeply, and sunnily chirped, "Welcome home, Master!"

"OH!" Lucy and Happy gasped. "He did it!"

Juvia was in raptures. "As expected of Gray-sama! I'll work hard to be up to his standard!" You could practically see the hearts in his eyes.

Master Bob swooned again. Natsu scoffed. "Peh, you're a faggot after all."

"Oh? You pink moron, come say it to my face!"

"Nah, you gay pervert. That's just an excuse."

"Scared, huh, you—"

"GUYS!" Titania (or Oberon now?) loudly intervened, irate.

"Aye! (Hai!)" Both mages accordingly got along, all chummy and BFF-y.

"Gray, that was excellent. Just what I was aiming for." Gray preened while Natsu sulked. "Keep it up. Natsu, don't give up. You can do it." Erza smiled encouragingly. "Oh yes, I forgot to mention this earlier, but Gray, if I catch you stripping again, you are going to get it from me. Understand?" He gave Gray the stink eye, which Gray gulped at.

"Get what?" Happy asked inquisitively.

"Something painful," Erza vowed. The ice mage quaked in his long black boots.

* * *

><p>Three quarters of an hour later, the café was officially open. Erza had lectured and catechized every maid under his wing meticulously a repertoire of questions on etiquette, proper replies in situations, cutlery, serving manner, demeanour—pretty much everything under the sun Erza could think of. He inspected them now, ensuring they were ready.<p>

"All right!" Master Bob cheered as he pirouetted over to the glass doors, flipping over the card to read on the outside: "Welcome! We're Open." "Everyone into their positions!" He squealed with glee, spinning even faster excitedly like a child on Christmas. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me~!"

"EH! You're the cook? Do you have fish?" Happy queried dubiously.

Master Bob winked. "If you wish, little cat." He twirled his finger and let off a few coloured sparks.

"Yay! I knew you wouldn't let me down! One plateful of your recommendation please!" Happy said, toadying ingratiatingly. "Hey, Natsu, Lucy, everyone! I'm your customer now! Serve me!" He piped up eagerly.

"Welcome home, Master," The five mage maids said in varying intonations. Lucy and Natsu had recited the refrain in a bored monotone.

"Again!" The blue feline was enjoying himself far too much.

"Hell," Natsu groused.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Mina-san, ogenki shimas'ka? (Everyone, how are you?) ^^ Sorry for the long wait, it was a busy year. Happy New Year 2014, mina! It's the Year of the Wooden Horse! (A Trojan horse! O.o) A whopping 9,879 words! *cheers* AT least, according to Microsoft Word. How I've slaved over this! Countless hours…

Chapter notes: Try and guess which books slightly wormed their way in xD (There are fifteen! Some are obvious, others…are mere wisps. I just borrowed phrases and such)

I'm pretty sure the two TV influences are easy too. Look how I pulled a Kim Jimin with Master Bob XD

SA- sex appeal

AWOL- absent without official leave

Uke- the less dominant one in a relationship, I couldn't find a proper equivalent in English.

Ebi- shrimp. It sounds better in Japanese; otherwise it seems like Cancer's insulting Lucy.

Meido- means hell or maid. That's the pun Natsu means.

The backward skirt thing actually happened to me, how that sales assistant tried not to laugh. In my defence the pattern was the same both ways.

I changed the café to _Sweet Virgo_ after seeing a cruise ship called S.S Virgo and I thought, "Why not? The previous was boringly unoriginal."

Don't mind me about the potion's ingredients, I was just spouting nonsense. White merkel root and an Ophelia Tear are made up. Originally supposed to be salamander scales, but then when I checked salamanders have none. Giant Painted Hellbender inspired by the butterfly, Painted Lady (from an Enid Blyton book: Amelia Jane)

Fanfiction influences: 'In the Meantime' by iDevalu (07-Ghost), 'Dreaming of Sunshine' by Silver Queen (Naruto, awesome!), 'Eternally Yours' by Shirohane (Naruto)

This was originally an idea for Naruto, but I figured they didn't have maid cafés, LOL imagine Orochimaru doing something like this =p

_Wendy_ was supposed to come, but then Juvia barged in and she got tired. Nearly pulled another 'Accident' (my one-shot) in the bathroom too and then I realised the times didn't fit. The second draft had Levy and Lisanna breaking in Lucy's house, but I figured it was too OOC.

Feel free to flame. Comment anyhow just so I know if I've made any blunders; whether they're OOC or anything. Please review, I hate leaving mistakes.

Customer OCs, anyone?

**IMPORTANT NOTE: MOST POSSIBLY A HIATUS.** Sorry, but well…it's 'O' Levels. And I don't think my mum will let me get on the computer. The school's restricting access too now and Grandpa's confiscated the modem for his own use. I'm pretty much cut off from cyber world. Sumimasen~! _


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